8/8/2002
coatl-vivora-serpiente
this is not the best time for me to write this, is 12:06 am and i'm really tired. I been working hard lately. the student store job is boring as hell, intense repetitive. repetitive. repetitive. repe.../ a chingado, is getting to me. I repeat my self. self. self. oh my god, i'm loosing me in this devilish spiral of hell called follet, privately to bring you the "cheapest for us" "hell expensive to you." that store rips people off. i sold a couple of weeks ago. I was thinking that i would make some money, i know that it wasn't going to be a lot, but i never expected pinches miserias that they give you. they gave me a quarter, yes, 25 cents; not even enough for a phone call. they'll sell that book for 8 bucks. o well.
I was reading beto's journal, i guess that's why i'm writing right now. i must not get out of the habit of putting my reality on paper/computer screens. "my reality" includes both tangible and intangible perception/stimulation of body and mind and spirit.
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i been feeling kind of lonely lately, i guess because i'm busy all the time with school and work. sometimes i imagine my baby's face while i work and i just wish i were home. but i also think that i'm working for her, so that she can keep on smiling like she does, and never have to worry about food or all the necessary things in life.
also, where are my friends. i have always been a social person. i like people. for me people means pueblo. the one i'm suppose to sacrifice and fight for. pueblo for reals, not in the abstracts of theoretical textbooks.
i haven't been to danza either. i hope the group doesn't think that i don't care about them anymore. danza fulfills me in a way that few things can, is better than running in the forest or walking on the beach, although those things are good too. i just love the feeling of community that i get when i go. we sing, we danza and sweat, we pray together to whoever and however we like. (danza is not a fundamentalist indigenous spirituality group, not at all, is mainly a safe space for xicanos/brown people.)
i feel better writing about this.
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today i saw ramses. i'm glad to know he's doing find. he's planning to move to l.a. with his girl susan. they are a fun couple. hope that they remain happy.
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alejandra's sleeping, so is quetzalli. i love them a lot.
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i still need to find the safe space (so does alejandra), between a partnership, an union based on love, and freedom. i can never ever lose my freedom. i have never believed that because you get marry, you lose your independence, your autonomy. your partner is suppose to support you in going after your dreams. we still need to work on that.
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i can't wait to quit my job.
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my dad called today, i was working. he was very brief. just wanted my address so that he could write me a letter. he almost never calls or writes. hope everything's okay. he's in san diego right now, who knows doing what. he likes to wonder around. could never hold a stable job or a healthy relationship. ...
bueno, buenas noches, i have to work tomorrow.